Forever
by bellum stellarum
Summary: On the evening of Jaina's and Jag's wedding Kyp Durron reflects on his life.


******A/N:** This is my first fanfic ever. And I'm not a native speaker, so if you find any glaring mistakes or misused words, please contact me.

Besides the usual: I don't own any of the characters, I just like to play with them.

**Forever**

_Kyp Durron reflects on his life on the evening of Jaina's and Jag's wedding._

So this had it been. The day, he had expected - and dreaded - for at least 15 years. The day, that had been the happiest for his best friend and the most devastating for him. The day, he had known he had to prepare for and yet had utterly failed to like he felt he had never failed before.

He had participated in the events of the day, like he had been expected to. Expected from Jaina and Jag, from Grand Master Skywalker, from his friend Han. He had lead the Jedi in the arch of lightsabers over the aisle to the wedding ceremony. He had attended the reception afterwards and given his best wishes. He had even outwardly pretended to enjoy the party and the company.

But Han had seen through his shields, had seen, what was going on deep inside. His old friend had invited him to the bar where they had drunk a Corellian Brandy - provided by Lando Calrissian, who had made efforts to supply them with the best available - and sat in silence together. When they had finished, Han had clapped his shoulder, showing him wordlessly his support. Even when Han had finally made his peace with the choice in husband of his daughter, he had for a long time hoped, she would end up with him.

He was just glad, when the happy couple finally made their exit. It was his clue to leave the party also even when he knew it would go on for hours, was still going on now. He had gone quietly without telling anybody, without bidding his farewell. Now he sat alone in his quarters on the Hapan Battle Dragon, lights down, gazing out into the swirling lights of Hyperspace. They had dropped out of it for a brief amount of time so the newlyweds could leave for their honeymoon, but now they were back in it, and he didn't even know where they were headed to now, didn't care one bit. It wasn't important.

How had he come to this point in his life?

It all had started seemingly a lifetime ago, nearly 20 years, during the war against the Yuuzhan Vong. The girl he had known since she had been nothing more than a toddler had become a young woman, beautiful, strong, stubborn and still so innocent. He had betrayed that innocence and had paid for it dearly, losing her friendship and whatever she may have felt towards him. At least he had been able to regain her friendship and even her - at first grudging - respect, when he had helped her to survive the loss of her brothers.

And he had lost his heart to her sometime during those years. He didn't know when it had happened exactly, when simple attraction had become deep love. Eternal love, as he knew now.

But he had never told her, hid it from her as he had known, that she would never return it. Had known, since he had seen her and her now-husband together for the first time, long before they themselves knew, that they were meant to be together. So he had resigned himself to his role as a friend and mentor. And secretly as her guardian, even if she would have become furious, had she known about it. But he needed to keep her safe, to keep his own sanity.

He had been rather successful in hiding from her what was going on deep inside of him, also a few others were able to see through him with more clarity, first of them Han Solo, the man, who once had rescued him and who probably knew him best in the whole Galaxy. The worst about this had been the pity he had seen in his old friends eyes afterwards.

The next one had been Jagged Fel. The man, whom he had lost her to had to find out and had him approached about it a few days after that painful picnic on a rooftop on Borleias, the day, when she had him told, that he could be nothing more than a partner. Somehow his shocked reaction must have betrayed him. Jag had intercepted him in the bar and asked him about his intentions towards her. He had been able to brush it off as infatuation, but he knew, that Jag didn't really believe him. When Jag and Jaina had parted ways after the war, the Chiss pilot had even told him, that she was now his, but he knew, that this wasn't true.

The last one to find out had been his old Jedi Master, Luke Skywalker. Not too long after the war had ended the head of the Jedi Order had asked him for a meeting. At that time the Jedi were picking up the pieces from the war, helping in bringing down the last pockets of Peace Brigaders and Yuuzhan Vong, and generally working towards the rebuilding of the Galaxy and the Jedi Order. He had once or twice asked to not be placed on the same mission as Jaina and now her uncle wanted to know, if there was a special reason to it. Master Skywalker had already his suspicions and he had - albeit not too willing - confirmed them. His former mentor had accepted his reasoning and usually they were in different parts of the Galaxy safe from the occasional meeting on Ossus or Coruscant.

About two years after the war Jaina and Jag had separated but even then he had never made advances towards her, also Han had encouraged him to do so. He knew, that he wasn't to be with her, that she was meant for another one. But he had stayed in contact with her loosely, because letting go of her completely was just beyond what he was able to do.

Then the mess with the Killik had happened and he had done everything possible to bring her back from the hive mind. When she was finally back and Jag presumed dead because of it he had thought that maybe now he could have a chance with her, only to find out that another man had taken the place by her side: her resurfaced teenage love Zekk. His role was again reduced to friend and mentor - helping her to reacquaint with life outside the hive mind and getting back her standing within the Order.

And then Jag had returned. Alive and still in love with her.

During all those time he had tried to get over her, find love and happiness without her. He had dated other women, even tried a relationship a few times. Once he had thought it would work. She was about his age, had had her share of disappointments and failed relationships and seemed to be the perfect match for his own fragile heart. They had shared an apartment and even talked about marriage and family.

But in the end he had to realize that physical attraction just wasn't enough to build a family upon and they had mutually decided to separate, leaving him alone and lonely again. At this point he had conceded that just like she was meant to be with another man he was meant to love her.

During the last years he had watched her reconcile with Jag, had seen the deep love they shared even when it sometimes seemed like the whole Galaxy was conspiring in keeping them apart. But in the end destiny had won out and today had been the day where it had been made legal.

And it had been the day when his heart, that had been broken for so long now, had been shattered into yet more pieces. Even when he knew, that she was meant to be with Jag, his heart had hoped beyond hope that maybe one day things would change. But now it was finally over, no hope left.

He didn't even know, if she wanted him in her future life any longer. He had played three major roles in her life: guardian, mentor and friend.

She never had wanted a guardian to begin with, but he had taken that role upon him, first during the war against the Yuuzhan Vong, to keep her safe. Safe from the Dark Side and safe from her own when she hadn't expected to survive the war. Later he had been the guardian after she had returned from the Killiks. But at some time during the last Civil War she had truly become the Sword of the Jedi, as her uncle had predicted, fighting against her own brother had finally forged her into it and he couldn't provide any more protection.

At the same time he had become the guardian he had also become her mentor, showing her the way back to the Light. First he had thought this was over after her knighting, but she had continued to lean on him, sought his counsel and help. However now she had been granted mastery and a seat on the High Council, so they were equals now and she wouldn't need his guidance any longer.

That left his role as a friend - would she still be interested, now that she finally was married to Jag? With her new role in the Galaxy? When it became clear that Grand Master Skywalker had decided on her as his successor? This insecurity was gnawing at him - and was so unlike him at the same time, he recognized. But the thought of losing her completely was frightening - she had been a huge part of his life for so long now. Even when their relationship had often been somewhat distanced, dormant, he always had known it was still there. But now?

On his next birthday he would be 50 years old. An age, he had never expected to reach with all the fighting his life had been so far. An age, where his time to once have a family of his own was over. The Jedi Order would stay the only family he had, had had in over 40 years now. An age, where a good deal of his life was still ahead of him …

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow he would go on with his life, pick up and mend his heart. Continue with his duties to the Force and the Jedi. Maybe he would take on an apprentice, pass on, what he had learned. It would be the only legacy he had to leave behind.

But tonight he would grieve one last time.

Grieve about what never had been his and what he had now lost forever.

Forever.


End file.
